I WANT THAT!

The Saints did it. I am happy for them. Euphoric New Orleans fans will cheer and thank their hometown team at their championship parade in the very streets that were flooded less than five years ago. What could be more heartwarming? But my pangs of envy cannot be denied. While watching Who Dat Nation celebrate, I could not help but feel that the Browns are farther away from winning a Super Bowl than ever. It was difficult to watch the elation. I want that! So while I am dreaming, I decided to make a list of other things I want but probably will not happen. Here they are in no particular order.

I want to buy the Baltimore Ravens and move them to Ft. Wayne.

I want Slayer to perform at halftime of Super Bowl XLV.

I want Rex Ryan’s stomach to be penalized 15 yards for being too far out on the field.

I want Shannon Sharpe to use his inside voice even when he is outside.

I want Ed Hochuli tested for human growth hormones.

I want a hamburger…no a cheeseburger…

I want to see irrefutable video evidence of Ben Roethlisberger sexually assaulting a goat.

I want LeBron James to stay in Cleveland and QB the Browns.

I want to lock Chad Ochocinco and Kanye West in the same room and see who drops dead first from lack of attention.

I want former Florida State WR DeCody Fagg to make an NFL team and line up against CB Randall Gay. And I want to hear the announcer call that matchup without snickering.

That’s ten. What do you want?

And Then There Were Four

Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints. They are going to square off in Super Bowl XLIV. That’s 44 for those of you who cannot read Roman numerals. I am a Peyton Manning fan and am happy he is on his way to his second Super Bowl. If he wins, “the greatest of all time” discussion can start in earnest. And it is heartwarming to see something wonderful happen to the city of New Orleans. They certainly deserve it. But as a Browns fan, I cannot help but feel a little tweak. With the Saints victory, the Never-Been-To-The-Super-Bowl club has dwindled to a mere four teams. And of course, our beloved Browns are in that dubious fraternity. The Browns joined the NFL in 1950. They left the now defunct AAFC along with the 49ers and the Baltimore Colts to enter the National Football League. San Francisco had their dynasty in the 1980s. Baltimore lost SB III and won SB V defeating the Cowboys. After moving to Indy, Peyton and the gang won SB XLI. Twenty other franchises have joined the NFL since the Browns did. Of those teams only two, The Jaguars and the Texans, have never made it. Houston must feel gypped. The Oilers only made it after they moved to Tennessee and renamed themselves the Titans. You all are going to have to talk me off the ledge the day the Texans play in a Super Bowl. Think of the perennial losers that have played in a Super Bowl before the Browns: The Buccaneers, Seahawks, Bills, Chiefs, Falcons and Bengals! The freaking Ravens have been to a Super Bowl, and won! Why has God forsaken me?!?!?! Of the nine teams that were in the NFL before the Browns only the lowly Lions have never been. The Browns and the Lions are definitely the old maids of the group. If this is not bad enough consider this. The Never-Been-To-A-Super-Bowl-And-Never-Hosted-A-Super-Bowl club has a membership of one…The Cleve! C’mon Mike Holmgren. Bring us to the Promised Land!