LEAKED - A RARE GLIMPSE AT A BROWNS HEAD COACH ESSAY

⚠️ Warning: This article is strictly satire. Any resemblance to actual NFL hiring practices no matter how absurd is purely coincidental.

Earlier today, one of the Cleveland Browns head coaching candidates’ letters to Andrew Berry somehow leaked to the Brown Blog, offering a rare, unfiltered glimpse into just how bold one applicant may be in explaining why he is the man to fix the Cleveland Browns.

Dear Andrew Berry,

Following our recent interview and in compliance with what I now understand is the NFL’s only graduate-level admissions requirement for a head coaching job, I am pleased to submit the requested essay explaining why I wish to become the next head coach of the Cleveland Browns.

I am uniquely qualified for this role for one simple reason: the Browns are a mess of such epic proportions that it will take an extraordinary human being to fix them. Not a good coach. Not a clever coach. An extraordinary one. The kind of man who can walk calmly through organizational chaos while holding a laminated play sheet in one hand.

I am not applying despite the dysfunction. I am applying because of it. Lesser men look at the Browns and see risk. I see opportunity. I see a franchise that has tried almost everything except the radical idea of letting the football coach coach football while everyone else politely backs away.

My strongest qualification is my personality. I possess a rare combination of confidence, stubbornness, and emotional callus that allows me to absorb criticism, chaos, and unsolicited advice without blinking. This will be essential in my primary early responsibility: ensuring that you, Jimmy Haslam, and all other well-intentioned adults in the building stay the fuck out of the way while I attempt the delicate, complicated task of winning football games.

This will not be easy. It will require firm boundaries, direct eye contact, and occasionally closing the office door and pretending I’m “watching tape” when I’m actually taking deep breaths. But I am prepared for this burden. 

I understand the Browns are a “aligned environment.” I am happy to pretend I am aligned right up until kickoff. After that, feigned collaboration will be limited to nodding politely while I do the job you hired me to do. 

I am not intimidated by history.  Losing has had a long relationship with this organization, and I believe it’s time for an amicable separation. I am the man to help you move on.

Thank you again for this opportunity, and for reminding the league, via a leak on the The Rich Eisen Show, that the Browns do things their own way. I look forward to our next conversation, preferably one that does not require a written component.

Respectfully,
A Man Confident Enough to Try