LEAKED - A RARE GLIMPSE AT A BROWNS HEAD COACH ESSAY

⚠️ Warning: This article is strictly satire. Any resemblance to actual NFL hiring practices no matter how absurd is purely coincidental.

Earlier today, one of the Cleveland Browns head coaching candidates’ letters to Andrew Berry somehow leaked to the Brown Blog, offering a rare, unfiltered glimpse into just how bold one applicant may be in explaining why he is the man to fix the Cleveland Browns.

Dear Andrew Berry,

Following our recent interview and in compliance with what I now understand is the NFL’s only graduate-level admissions requirement for a head coaching job, I am pleased to submit the requested essay explaining why I wish to become the next head coach of the Cleveland Browns.

I am uniquely qualified for this role for one simple reason: the Browns are a mess of such epic proportions that it will take an extraordinary human being to fix them. Not a good coach. Not a clever coach. An extraordinary one. The kind of man who can walk calmly through organizational chaos while holding a laminated play sheet in one hand.

I am not applying despite the dysfunction. I am applying because of it. Lesser men look at the Browns and see risk. I see opportunity. I see a franchise that has tried almost everything except the radical idea of letting the football coach coach football while everyone else politely backs away.

My strongest qualification is my personality. I possess a rare combination of confidence, stubbornness, and emotional callus that allows me to absorb criticism, chaos, and unsolicited advice without blinking. This will be essential in my primary early responsibility: ensuring that you, Jimmy Haslam, and all other well-intentioned adults in the building stay the fuck out of the way while I attempt the delicate, complicated task of winning football games.

This will not be easy. It will require firm boundaries, direct eye contact, and occasionally closing the office door and pretending I’m “watching tape” when I’m actually taking deep breaths. But I am prepared for this burden. 

I understand the Browns are a “aligned environment.” I am happy to pretend I am aligned right up until kickoff. After that, feigned collaboration will be limited to nodding politely while I do the job you hired me to do. 

I am not intimidated by history.  Losing has had a long relationship with this organization, and I believe it’s time for an amicable separation. I am the man to help you move on.

Thank you again for this opportunity, and for reminding the league, via a leak on the The Rich Eisen Show, that the Browns do things their own way. I look forward to our next conversation, preferably one that does not require a written component.

Respectfully,
A Man Confident Enough to Try

Brown BLog Predicts: Conference Championships

The NFL Playoffs have been amazing as usual this year and we now are one step away from the Super Bowl.   Here we go

New England at Denver

While the loss of Bo Nix to injury would seem to make this pick easy, I think it is an extraordinarily tough game to predict.   Why?   Sean Payton has a great defense, home field advantage and he knows how to engineer a traditional NFL win by working the clock, and playing complementary football.   I also am concerned about Drake Maye's turnovers.  Are they related to an injury?  

My sense is that Denver finds a way to eek this one out, running the ball far more than passing and Drake Maye makes a mistake or two that tip a close, low scoring game.

Brown BLog Predicts:    Broncos    17    Patriots    13

LA Rams at Seattle

Bottom line here is that I think that Seattle's head coach Mike Macdonald is every bit as clever schematically as the legendary Sean McVay.  Add in the home field advantage and that tips it for me.

Brown BLog Predicts:    Seattle    31    Rams 24

The Brown BLog are 6-4 to date with our playoff predictions

What does it tell us that Kevin Stefanski was in high demand?

The Browns have been so secretive for so long that it's hard to understand what might be going on behind closed doors in Berea.   

The fact that Kevin Stefanski was highly sought after by other NFL teams is revealing.  Why?

Because it tells us clearly that other NFL teams think highly of Stefanski and for that to be the case, NFL execs "in the know" must have reliable information to lead them to conclude that Kevin Stefanski had little to do with the fiasco's in Browns land these last few years. 

It goes without saying therefore that it is likely that Jimmy Haslam and Andrew Berry bear full responsibility for the Deshaun Watson signing.   Impulsive and destructive, the Watson contract not only dug a massive salary cap hole for the Browns, but it also served to anger most NFL owners.   If you ask me, one of many shit burgers that resulted was the 2025 NFL schedule that had the Browns facing a murderers row of tough NFL teams in their first 6 games last season.

How Jimmy Haslam sees fit to continue to be the top executive running football operations for the Browns is a mystery I will never understand.   Haslam sees himself as a Jerry Jones like leader, however Jerry Jones was a starting offensive lineman for a National Championship Division I football team.  Jimmy Haslam played High School ball....

Brown BLog Predicts: NFL Playoffs Week 2

Bills at Broncos

I am riding Josh Allen as far as he will go this year, which I believe will be to the Super Bowl

Brown BLog Predicts:    Bills 27    Broncos     21

49ers at Seahawks

Seattle should win today, home field advantage and Mike Macdonald is too smart to let Kyle Shanahan outsmart him

Brown BLog Predicts:    Seahawks    30    49ers    20

Texans at Patriots

I don't believe in either of these teams, learned a lesson though last week that they are both better than I understood.   I hope Nick Chubb and the Texans win, but I think Drake Maye and the Pats will.

Brown BLog Predicts:    Pats    24    Texans    20

Rams at Bears

Caleb Williams is on the verge of greatness, but Matt Stafford is already there.   

Brown BLog Predicts:    Rams    37    Bears    24

The Brown BLog was 3-3 predicting Round 1 playoff games last week

Brown BLog Predicts: NFL Playoffs - Round 1 Wild Card Round

 

An exciting round of NFL Playoff Games are here and the Brown BLog is here to predict them all.

Rams at Panthers

The Rams have to be a favorite to eventually get to the Super Bowl, this game won't be close

Brown BLog Predicts:    Rams 31       Panthers 13

Packers at Bears

Tough game to predict.  I think Caleb Williams is on the verge of greatness.  He is the closest thing to John Elway that the NFL has seen since Elway retired.   Jordan Love is already great so this one is by far the hardest game to predict this weekend.  Can the Packers force Williams into a few mistakes.  Can the Bears do the same to Love?   What tips it for me is the Packers have suffered more injuries and the Bears are at home but it could go either way.

Brown BLog Predicts:    Bears 27    Packers 24

Bills at Jaguars

One of the takeaways of the 2025 season is that strength of schedule is important.  I have a hard time accepting the idea that the Jags are 13-4 strictly because they are such a good team.  They had a weak schedule and the Bills had an extremely tough schedule.  The Bills are flat out a better team and even on the road, they won't have trouble with the Jaguars

Brown BLog Predicts:    Bills  30    Jaguars 20

Niners at Eagles

The defending Super Bowl Champion Eagles have been the focus of critics most of the 2025 season.  I say "the critics are idiots".   Eagles win a tough one

Brown BLog Predicts:    Eagles 24    49ers    17

Chargers at Patriots

The Patriots have a great QB and have had a great season, however they also have benefitted from a weak schedule and defeating teams using second string QBs all season long.  In an upset special, the Chargers win this one on the road

Brown BLog Predicts:    Chargers 34    Patriots 23

Texans at Steelers

The Steelers are everyone's favorite team to underestimate and the Texans are everyone's favorite team to overestimate.   Do so at your own risk, Mike Tomlin wins this one

Brown BLog Predicts:    Steelers   24    Texans    14 

Brown BLog Predicts: Final Game 17 vs Bengals

 

It has been yet another season of wild disappointment for our Cleveland Browns and for game 17 we are on the road vs our in state rival the Cincinnati Bengals.

The Bengals are actually a great team when Joe Burrow starts, with a 5-2 record in those games he has started.   Meanwhile our Browns are going to be missing two of their best athletes:  Harold Fannin and Carson Schwesinger.  I love Shedeur so I'll be hoping he comes up big but realistically a win for the Browns on the road vs Joe Burrow is unlikely.

The Brown BLog Predicts

Bengals        27

Browns        21

The Brown BLog is 9-7 year to date predicting Browns games. 

Kevin Stefanski - It is a Privledge, in other words .... Adios Cleveland

Tony Grossi hits the nail on the head as usual in his analysis of Kevin Stefanski's "It is a Privledge" comment this week.

I think Grossi nails the context too.   The Browns and Stefanski will message his departure as a mutually friendly parting of ways.

I wrote a few days ago that I hope the Browns keep Stefanski another year, but what I don't know is what exactly has been the narrative behind closed doors these last 12 months in Berea.   In particular the narrative around Dillon Gabriel.

If the Browns and Stefanski part ways, it's clear to me that behind closed doors, Stefanski was and remains adamant that Dillon Gabriel is the QB that he believes should be at the controls for the Cleveland Browns.   If that's the case, I think Stefanski has one big problem:  Jimmy Haslam and 99% of the traditional experts in the NFL world disagree with him.   I disagree too for that matter.

Why would Stefanski bet his head coaching career on Dillon Gabriel?   Perhaps because he is convinced that his Ivy League Offensive Scheme can only be successful with a QB who fully grasps the nuances of his scheme.   

The problem with Gabriel however is obvious to everyone except perhaps Kevin Stefanski.  Dillon Gabriel does not have an NFL arm.   Not having an NFL arm would be a problem even if Gabriel were 6' 5".....   We all saw the proof in the 6 games he started.   His longest pass was a 26 yard completion and of the few throws that he completed longer than 20 yards most of the yards gained were after the catch which was less than 10 yards downfield.

TD to interception ratio of 7:2 you say?   Well, the analytics point out that Dillon Gabriel's turnover worthy plays were at 4.6% it just turns out defenders had as hard a time catching his balls as offensive players did.

Nothing against Gabriel here.  He obviously is a very smart, polite and still relatively young man, who interviews extremely well, but Stefanski and the Browns did Gabriel a massive disservice drafting him in the 3rd round and shouldering him with any expectations that he could succeed in the NFL.   Jimmy Haslam has connections to talent evaluators around the league and before day 3 of the 2025 NFL Draft they all must have told him that taking Gabriel in the 3rd round was nutty.   Haslam did the right think drafting Shedeur and we have all seen the proof in Sander's numerous big plays during his starts.

Kevin Stefanski bet the farm on a QB who in Rex Ryan's words "has none of the attributes of an NFL QB" and in doing so, I don't care what Jimmy Sexton says, if that's the case, Stefanski is never going to get another gig as a head coach in the NFL.

Time will tell and in this case, if Stefanski is gone after this season ends, I think that behind closed doors, the above narrative would in fact be exactly why Haslam decided "enough is enough"

Brown BLog Predicts: Game 16 vs Steelers

Depending on how the Ravens do tonight against the Pack, the Steelers could have nothing to play for tomorrow or everything.  Either way, they will beat the Browns.

The Brown BLog Predicts:

Steelers        24 

Browns         17

The Brown BLog are 9-6 season to date predicting Browns games.

Affirmations: Why I hope the Browns don't fire Kevin Stefanski

I was listening recently to a podcast with Seth Wickersham, who wrote a book about quarterbacks called American Kings, and he shared a small detail that stopped me in my tracks. At one point, Wickersham saw a notepad belonging to Tom Brady. Scribbled on it were affirmations, simple, direct statements Brady wrote to himself. Things like, “You are the man.”

My first reaction, like I suspect most people’s, was disbelief mixed with a little eye-rolling. Tom Brady? The guy with the rings, the records, the dynasty? If anyone on earth should be immune from self-doubt, surely it’s him. Doesn’t the world remind him daily that he’s special? Shouldn’t it be obvious, even to himself?

But the more I sat with it, the more that reaction unraveled.

Unlike almost any other profession, elite coaches and athletes live under a microscope of constant judgment. Even the best of the best are subjected to second-guessing that borders on oppressive. Every throw, every decision, every fraction of a second is replayed, dissected, and criticized by millions of people who have absolutely nothing at stake except their mood on a Sunday afternoon.

I know this impulse well, because I catch myself doing it all the time. Stefanski is a bad play caller, Caitlin Clark should have passed that ball. Aaron Rodgers should have thrown that one away. These thoughts pop out of my mouth as if they are obvious truths rather than armchair commentary. Every now and then, though, the stupidity of one of those remarks bounces off the wall and comes right back at me.

I imagine Kevin Stefanski sitting in the cube next to mine at work and turning to me with the same tone of certainty: “Jesus, John, how could you concede a five percent discount? They were ready to give you the order at list price.” The absurdity becomes clear pretty quickly. I am very glad that selling industrial machinery is not a spectator sport, complete with instant replay and a talk-radio postmortem.

That’s when the point really lands. If I, sitting comfortably on my couch, feel free to nitpick the decisions of world-class coaches and athletes, imagine what it feels like to be the one actually making those decisions, knowing the criticism is coming no matter what. Even Tom Brady is not immune to that barrage. In that context, writing “you are the man” on a notepad doesn’t look silly at all. It looks healthy.

Affirmations aren’t about ego. They’re about anchoring yourself when the noise gets loud. Performance, whether in sports, sales, or life, is always more fluid when it’s built on a foundation of thoughtful self-confidence. Not bravado. Not denial. Just a quiet reminder that you belong, that you’ve done the work, that one mistake doesn’t erase everything else.

That may be the real lesson to take from Brady’s notepad. It’s not that even legends need reassurance—though they do. It’s that all of us perform better when we remember we’re doing just fine. And maybe there’s a second lesson tucked in there for us fans as well. Our favorite athletes might actually perform a little better if we cheer them because they’re on our team, even if they make a mistake.

So while I have made a sport out of second guessing Kevin Stefanski I am also old enough to know, when it comes to football he is the expert.   And after six years of winning and losing, he is as well positioned as anybody on earth to make the next 6 years good ones.

So call it an early New Years resolution, but I hope the Browns keep Coach Stefanski and I hope in spite of the legions of folks in the peanut gallery, that Kevin Stefanski reminds himself every day that he's one of 32 people on earth so qualified that he gets to lead an NFL team into battle every Sunday.

Confidence, it turns out, is not something you achieve once and keep forever. It’s something you practice. Sometimes with a Lombardi Trophy. Sometimes with a pen and a simple sentence written to yourself: you are the man.

Mike Tomlin

 Mike Tomlin extends his streak to 19 consecutive non-losing seasons

Brown BLog Predicts: Game 15 vs Bills

As the Browns head towards the end of another epic season, predicting another win this season feels foolhardy.  Injuries have mounted and only Shedeur and Myles Garrett have something to play for. 

The Bills are too good to let down in Cleveland and the weather is going to be a non factor for the first time in a few weeks. 

Look for another lopsided loss in the Browns run towards 3-14

Brown BLog Predicts

Bills        31

Browns    13

The Brown BLog are 8-6 season to date predicting Browns games. 

Browns analytics- 2 point conversions

The long-term success rate in the NFL on two point conversions is around 50%. The Browns, when they were down 14 vs the Titans last week, decided to go for 2 after a touchdown. Why not, the data says odds are if they attempt a two point conversion twice, they will score 2 points and if they were successful to get the first 2 they can win the game with an extra point.  

I’d like to point out the problem with Browns analytics:  that two point success rate is largely being achieved by experienced players when you look at the success rate across the entire NFL the athletes that score are experienced quarterbacks, wide receivers, running backs & tight ends  

Obviously, if you put a high school team out there, the success rate in the NFL would be 0%, and if you put NFL rookies in all of the key spots on a two point play, it stands to reason the success rate is going to be significantly less than 50%  

Statistics can lie, and when it comes to the Browns analytics they do  

Brown BLog Predicts: Game 14 - Browns v Bears

 

I am excited once again to root for the Browns.   

Why?   Shedeur Sanders.

Pundits abound with opinions about what makes a great QB.   They site this or that statistic, they take one play and draw conclusions.

Here is what I see about Shedeur:  He wins plays and every single time he lines up behind the center to throw the ball, he's trying to win that play.   When there is man coverage, Shedeur recognizes it and looks for a mis match because he wants to win plays.  Winning plays means winning games and sometimes it means making mistakes.  What Sanders will learn with time is that an interception is not the end of the world if you make that risk when you're on the opponents side of that field.  That's as good as a punt so long as you win the risk more than you lose and with Shedeur Sander's accuracy, he is going to win a lot more than he loses. 

He has another characteristic that winners have.  Sanders does not give a sweet shit what other people think.  He's authentic and that makes him a leader.   It also made him into a fifth round draft pick because the lilly white draft rooms of the NFL even in 2025 fear a young minority who won't kiss their ass.   

My gut says the weather tomorrow is going to hold scoring down and in a game with artic conditions, good leadership combined with winning a few key plays can make all the difference in the world.

The Brown BLog Predicts

Shedeur and his Browns    17

Da Bears                            14

The Brown BLog is 8-5 season to date predicting Browns games.